(NOT)Mothers’ day

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(NOT)Mothers’ day is the Mothers’ Day so many of us had and will have this year.

On Sunday 07 May 2017 was bereaved or still- Mothers’ Day in the loss community and the utter sadness I experienced caught me off guard.

Honestly, I have not given the concept of Mothers’ Day much tough up until the last week or so, mostly because I did not want to. I did not want to be reminded everywhere I go that my Mothers’ Day will not be what it should have been. Looking back now, I probably should have faced my feeling a lot sooner; maybe it would not have been as difficult to deal with as it is now. All those emotions that I conveniently shoved down are coming back up, not as it went down – bit for bit, feeling for feeling, but ALL at once.

I found myself being angry with myself because I know better than to shove my feelings away. So here they all are, all at once, staring me in the face, reminding me, saddening me, torturing me.

The cherry on the cake of sadness on (NOT)Mothers’ Day, was the 10 month anniversary of the stillbirth of our daughter. I think that was my tipping point, 10 months is a long time and yet it still feels like just yesterday. The tears are never tucked away too far, the emotions and triggers jump up from nowhere and everywhere and more often than not I am transported back to what feels like the bottom of my mountain of grief and I have to start all over with the climb.

This time I have no profound conclusion, no awe-inspiring advice, no comfort to offer… this time I am just sad, bereaved and jealous of every mother that gets to celebrate Mothers’ Day for real…

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